I am zool
April 5, 2015
First post in a long while….and first post as a MARRIED MAN!! ;)
Did some MDMA last night and boy…that stuff is good for connecting with some truth and opening up the heart!
Ok so some of this was starting to come thru yesterday, but i was able to process it much better this morning.
This morning I went outside and stood with my bare feet on the grass
I was taking in energy from the earth, and bringing some of mine back to it. It felt good. Then I started to feel and say “Thanks earth, you’re great, i love you… sorry for what we’ve done”
And then I started to cry.
After that I sat down and i started thinking about Isabelle…. and how i’m scared to love her… and i started to cry.
As I was walking back towards my room it became very obvious: I’m terrified of love.
Then I went and i had a cold shower.
Then I started to get it.
I may be okay with caring for people, and ok with people caring about me – but real love – unconditional, limitless love – it scares the shit out of me.
Also I realized that my mission right now is not only to heal that in myself, but also that Isababelle and I have been brought together to help each other do this. That’s the whole point.
Isabelle was having trouble adjusting to small town life (we’ve been in a little hippie villate now for weeks) and he told me that maybe she’s too far behind spiritually where it may be too much work to be with her – but that’s not it. There is only ONE STEP in this process.
To reject the fear, the reject the negativity, to purge our bodies, cnosious mind, and sub-concious mind of ALL that crap – and then to flove fully. –
Really it’s just one step: Love
We’re just to blocked/fucked up to realize it, and to do it.
But I’m starting to think that’s all that spirituality is.
That’s all “Enlightenment” … just getting to a place of supreme love.
All of everyone’s fucked up shit stems from not living with that love.
Another big thing: Only when we are both FIXED – and the negative BS is all gone, and we’re just love – only then will we even be who we are. We don’t even know each other yet – because we don’t even know ourselves.
At THAT point, the new Sasha and Isabelle will meet – and THEN we can decide if we still want to be together.
Only at the point when we realize that we don’t need each other to be happy should we decide if we should be together. Then it will be a real choice….
So – my mission right now – her teaching for me – is that FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE – I have to not run away from her love, but to embrace it – go through all the shit, and get through it together.
And once that mission is done, then we’ll see…..
But for the first time In my life – I am ready to embrace it, no matter what it takes…
My wife has made huge leaps and bounds, is a great girl and she is also realizing that she must do the same. All her negative shit was coming up in the last few weeks because it’s terrified…. Her demon is a living, powerful part of her – and it’s her defense mechanism…and it knows it’s time for it to die.
I was telling her that stuff, while massaging her last night while we were still under the affects of the mdma….I was taking and massaging all the negative crap out of her…. and she knew….. she knew….and she was letting it go…. :)
Oh yeah. And I realized something else.
I need to have more “personal time” with the wife. Hanging out doesn’t count. eating doesn’t count. Time where you just sit and hold each other, and just love each other.
We’ve just talked and agreed to 5-10 mins in the morning just to connect, and then a full hour in the evening to really connect, see if we’ve had any negative thoughts or feelings during the day, -and then talk about them and RELEASE them (so they don’t build up!)
Anywho. Looking forward to the challenge, and hopefully more good stuff on the way.