Some Overdue Revelations about yours truly

I am zool

 

April 5, 2015

First post in a long while….and first post as a MARRIED MAN!! ;)

Did some MDMA last night and boy…that stuff is good for connecting with some truth and opening up the heart!

 

Ok so some of this was starting to come thru yesterday, but i was able to process it much better this morning.

 

 

This morning I went outside and stood with my bare feet on the grass

 

I was taking in energy from the earth, and bringing some of mine back to it. It felt good. Then I started to feel and say “Thanks earth, you’re great, i love you… sorry for what we’ve done”

 

And then I started to cry.

 

After that I sat down and i started thinking about Isabelle…. and how i’m scared to love her… and i started to cry.

 

As I was walking back towards my room it became very obvious:  I’m terrified of love.

 

Then I went and i had a cold shower.

 

Then I started to get it.

 

I may be okay with caring for people, and ok with people caring about me – but real love – unconditional, limitless love – it scares the shit out of me.

 

Also I realized that my mission right now is not only to heal that in myself, but also that Isababelle and I have been brought together to help each other do this. That’s the whole point.

 

Isabelle was having trouble adjusting to small town life (we’ve been in a little hippie villate now for weeks) and he told me that maybe she’s too far behind spiritually where it may be too much work to be with her – but that’s not it. There is only ONE STEP in this process.

 

To reject the fear, the reject the negativity, to purge our bodies, cnosious mind, and sub-concious mind of ALL that crap – and then to flove fully.  –

 

Really it’s just one step: Love

 

 

We’re just to blocked/fucked up to realize it, and to do it.

 

But I’m starting to think that’s all that spirituality is.

 

That’s all “Enlightenment” … just getting to a place of supreme love.

 

Nothing more.

 

All of everyone’s fucked up shit stems from not living with that love.

 

Another big thing: Only when we are both FIXED – and the negative BS is all gone, and we’re just love – only then will we even be who we are. We don’t even know each other yet – because we don’t even know ourselves.

 

At THAT point, the new Sasha and Isabelle will meet – and THEN we can decide if we still want to be together.

 

Only at the point when we realize that we don’t need each other to be happy should we decide if we should be together. Then it will be a real choice….

 

So – my mission right now – her teaching for me – is that FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE – I have to not run away from her love, but to embrace it – go through all the shit, and get through it together.

 

And once that mission is done, then we’ll see…..

 

But for the first time In my life – I am ready to embrace it, no matter what it takes…

 

My wife has made huge leaps and bounds, is a great girl and she is also realizing that she must do the same.  All her negative shit was coming up in the last few weeks because it’s terrified…. Her demon is a living, powerful part of her – and it’s her defense mechanism…and it knows it’s time for it to die.

 

I was telling her that stuff, while massaging her last night while we were still under the affects of the mdma….I was taking and massaging all the negative crap out of her…. and she knew….. she knew….and she was letting it go…. :)

 

Oh yeah. And I realized something else.

 

I need to have more “personal time” with the wife. Hanging out doesn’t count. eating doesn’t count. Time where you just sit and hold each other, and just love each other.

 

Nothing else.

 

Every day.

 

We’ve just talked and agreed to 5-10 mins in the morning just to connect, and then a full hour in the evening to really connect, see if we’ve had any negative thoughts or feelings during the day, -and then talk about them and RELEASE them (so they don’t build up!)

 

Anywho. Looking forward to the challenge, and hopefully more good stuff on the way.

 

x

 

 

5 Comments


  1. Hi Sasha, i am on the spiritual journey as well. however, what brought me here is a traumatic event.
    I got married two years ago. i was too young. I jumped in it without really knowing myself, and I wasn’t really ready, but I thought it was the “right” thing to do, and it ended up with me having an affair. We are currently going through the divorce. But the main reason is not because of the affair, it’s me realizing this is not my path and I could not and still can not to give her what she needs out of love.
    After I confessed my affair, I tried to repair her wounds by being as honest and open as possible. I told her all the shits i was ashamed of, and I started to look into self-development and came across spiritual enlightenment. It led to an awaking experience.
    One night when I was meditating, I felt very present, listening to the car driving by outside the window, all the sudden my heart started beating very very fast. Started from my hands, they got really warm then the warmth spread to my arms, my chest, my face. Tingling sensations then took over my whole upper body. Then all the sudden, blackness darker, as dark as it gets, then i felt a source of light beam out from somewhere inside of my body shining on the middle of my forehead. super tingling. I started to tear up and laughing. after that night, i started having a strong sense of oneness with many things.
    just wanted to share my experience, i was not ready for marriage and i am still not. i hope you are. and i hope you and Isabelle can help each other to grow on your journey.

    Reply

    1. Ha!! Sounds good man, that’s definitely a mystical experience. Hopefully you will have more!

      Sounds like Marriage wasn’t right for you…. but now you know! Honestly there’s usually no reason to get married unless you’re going to have kids. I did it because it’s an adventure (and a great learning for me) …… but in general people do it for the wrong reasons. Looking forward to hearing more from you! (Sorry it took so long to log in here!) :P

      Reply

  2. Hey Sasha, I’m happy for you and your wive. Taking the time to connect sounds like a great habit to cultivate, how’s it working out so far? Also, will you continue this blog? Because it’s gold! It’s really interesting and insighfull.

    Reply

    1. Glad you like… I am always working on this stuff but not posting. But with more encouragement, I shall be motivated to post more!

      S

      Reply

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