Feeling the love.
So a few days ago I had a bit of a cry listening to this track:
I was just listening to the track….. and suddenly I got all emotional….
And I just … had to cry.
Now first we should explain that this is not just some random song. This is actually a compassion mantra from a tibetan buddhist tradition that is ascribed to the deity of Avalokiteshvara.
Avalokiteshvara is the earthly manifestation of the self-born eternal Buddha Amitabha, whose figure is represented in his headdress, and he guards the world in the interval between the departure of the historical Buddha, Gautama, and the appearance of the future buddha, Maitreya
I was just feeling the love coming in and…. got emotional and BOOM.
Then today…. Well shit, I had lit some incense and was just sitting around and kind of just being in the presence of divine spirit. Just sitting with it…and playing some chanting monks stuff off youtube. You know, as you do.
Well…. Here we go again. Just crying and realizing, crying and realizing. I realized of course that divine spirit/source/god has always been there, all the time, guiding me. All my experiences were the perfect experiences for my development. I realized that I was silly every feeling that I was alone or that I didn’t have god’s love. In fact I realized that all my past feelings of unworthiness, having to prove myself – all that – only every happened because of my lack of self love – and lack of faith in the divine.
I realized that I still have fear holding me back….. but that I only had the fear because of my lack of faith. When you have complete faith….. there can be no fear. What is there to be afraid of? God has always provided for me, why stop now? Lol…… I realize now that fear itself is simply irrational…. Fear only arises when you doubt god. I’ll take it further and say to be afraid is to deny the existence of the divine. That may sound crazy…. But if you truly have faith and you know that everything happens exactly as it should, and that god makes no mistakes ….. what are you afraid of? What is going to “happen?” ….. if it’s going to happen is it because divine spirit knows it needs to happen and it’s for the good of all in the big picture….. So why worry?
I realized and could feel that, we are all loved unconditionally by the divine, but that we ourselves do not feel worthy of such love and so we do everything to distract ourselves. How can we be still and sit with ourselves when we fear what we will find in the silence? IF you are truly alone and have no connection to the divine – you’re going to find all your human damage, bad memories, fears, and doubts. We are afraid to face ourselves because we all feel alone and lost – so for most meditation terrifying.
Who wants to face the reality that their are alone, fucked up, and don’t even love themselves? Furthermore – How can we accept love from others if we don’t love ourselves? How can we have any love in our lives if we cut ourselves off from the love of the divine?
Feels like my heart is finally opening up again after a long stretch of being closed. Little bit at a time…. Sigh….